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December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We
woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again. I
did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow
came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December
12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment .My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end
of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's
our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December
15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We
aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still
way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December
20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey.
I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think
he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white
shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole
is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate
the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I
think she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag
him through the snow by his balls. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry
Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm
going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December
28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!
December 29:
10
more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cavein.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars
for
the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9"
predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's
left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Chili Taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
FRANK,
a Canadian who was visiting Texas:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge
at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called
in sick at the
last moment, and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards
from the event.....
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff ? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with
a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to
wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse
chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine
by now. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. 'm getting shit-faced.
Chili
# 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint
of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with
fresh refills; that 300lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating.
Chili
# 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really chokes
me that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to
wipe
my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth,
pull the
fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn
thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
fucking mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to
match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop
breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in
through the fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect
ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE
TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when
Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor
Canuck.
Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:
1. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play
back the error messages from
here.
2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
It's
nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure
to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers,bowling trophies and
Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find
it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When
you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't
get into your mail
because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails
to the help desk.
We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail
with high importance,
delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When an I.T. person is eating
lunch in his cube, walk right in
and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When an I.T. person
is having a smoke outside, ask him a
computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret
out those
clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it
up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record
your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email
straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
You're entitled to common courtesy.
11.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting
a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen
CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
14. When something's wrong with your home
PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of
the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and
discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete
everything in the Windows directory.
It's nothing but trouble
anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure,
and then
you reboot and it looks okay, don't call I.T. support.
We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have an I.T. person on the phone walking you through
changing a setting, read the paper. We don't
actually mean for you
to do anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When an I.T. person tells you
that he'll be there shortly,
reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you
mean by shortly?"
That'll get us going.
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